Save Money

How To Make Money In A Down Market

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If you’ve watched the news, you know that it’s a rough world out there. People have lost millions of dollars in the stock market, Apple still doesn’t have a tablet-style laptop, and Brittany Spears is officially making a comeback. Life has been hectic for me as well. Between four lecture classes, three labs, playing Rock Band on the Wii, and trying to maintain my half-weakling-half-athletic build, it’s been a busy few weeks. If you’re anything like the rest of the world, you have probably been loosing sleep over how to maintain your bank account. While I can’t guarantee this post will help out the stuffy suits on Wall Street, it will definitely give you guys and gals a leg-up on the competition when it comes to making money.

After reviewing some B-roll footage from the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, it doesn’t look like this should be too hard. Here’s what I was able to observe:

Before you can reap the benefits of my sure-fire plan for making yourself some extra holiday money, there are a few things that you’ll need to acquire:

1. Several reams of paper. This paper must be made from cotton ginning waste, textile scraps, recovered tree fibers and flax. For added authenticity, throw in some red and blue fibers. And some security stripes. (Call the Crane Paper Co. if you can’t find any at Walmart.)
2. Several gallons of green ink. And black ink. And sparkly ink that changes color when you look at it at different angles.
3. A high-speed, sheet-fed rotary press, capable of printing over 8,000 sheets per hour. (Contact your local newspaper - they may have some that they’re trying to get rid of as they keep loosing customers.)
4. Various printing plates made of steel with hand-etched designs of the denomination(s) you would like to make.
5. A device that will transfer ink from the printing plate to the paper by pressing the two together. (Approximately 10,000 psi of pressure should be adequate. See this page about the Intaglio printing process for tips.)
6. One large magnifying glass.
7. A middle-aged man to operate the magnifying glass.
8. A system of high powered blades to cut the printed sheets into individual bills.

After you’ve got all the materials assembled, it’s just a matter of turning everything on. If you’ve done it right, you should be rolling in the Hamiltons by this evening. If you’re wondering what to do with all that extra cash, the following video may inspire you.